Birds
Birds are furry winged creatures that populate many countries all over America's Planet. Birds are distantly related to the legendary Bald Eagle, but it would be futile to compare the two as Bald Eagles are the dolphins of birds. As explained by Ali G on his educational series "Da Ali G Show", "...I don't know if you know this, but dolphins ain't fish. They is like us, they is mammaries." Much like dolphins being mammarian and not fish, Bald Eagles are American and not birds. Also the most popular and most often used sign in sign language. Understood wherever hands are available. Terrorism With Fur Birds are nothing more than terrorists who have found a new way to oppress freedom: by attempting to instill fear via targeting American windows (not to be confused with communist windows) that may be on any standing structure or mode of transportation. As seen on Geraldo, who was reporting right in the action about 10 miles away from an unsuspecting window, a fanatical bird began the first suicide attack on freedom. The bird flew directly into the window of the residence of Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly, who just happens to sleep on a bed of nails with his eyes wide open (this allows him to roundhouse kick any liberals or bears that might attempt to disturb his slumber). Luckily, Geraldo dove for cover just as the bird hit the window. Geraldo was narrowly missed by a mere distance of 10 miles, 7 inches. Birds have also been attempting to corrupt the population of America by performing "liquid sin" carpet bombing. These concentrated blobs of evil excrement have been known to be laser-guided on to many windshields of domestically manufactured all-American freedomobiles, formerly known as automobiles. Target priority is usually determined by value of vehicle and whether it has been recently washed. In 2007 The Greatest President Ever was the victim of one of these "Liquid Sin" attacks. When will it stop, birds? Terrorism Not Restricted to The Skiis Fortunately, not all birds can fly. The most useless of which are penguins. They are mistakes of God and were placed on icy islands so they could keep Polar Bears busy eating them instead of Americans. While true, there are a few species that have adapted to this inability to fly and have developed an uncanny speed. They have a unique mating call of "Meep meep". Reportedly these grounded versions of flying communism are being chased by a unknown government agent. Little is known of this agent other than it is a male (the most strongest of genders) and he is equipped by a conglomerate known as Acme. Acme was selected because much like the suppliers of equipment for United States troops, it was the lowest bidder. Calm Before the Storm Birds have yet to be recognized as an official threat to freedom, Jesus, and America because they work with the democrat party to create media cover-ups and lies. The only underground documentary ever to surface on the evils of these fur-covered menaces was appropriately titled "The Birds" and has been disregarded as ancient lore. Not once has a modern nature documentary or book released the chilling truth on birds and their vendetta against the windows that allow self-made Republican patriots to look out in satisfaction at the illegal immigrants mowing their lawn. Give War a Chance This lack of attention to the growing bird threat has allowed them to perform their attempts to induce fear unchecked. The many productive members of society that birds prey on are beginning to notice the danger they may be facing. Deciders everywhere are calling for "pre-emptive strikes" to "liberate" bird nesting areas. The main forms of combating this bird threat have boiled down to two different plans. One plan would call for a small number of ill-equipped Army National Guard troops to occupy nesting areas for time spans lasting much longer than one weekend a month. It is felt these troops would be greeted as saviors and hailed because they are from the greatest country in the world, America. Should that plan fail, a back-up plan was created. Key amazingly hot members of America including Dick Cheney, Matthew McConaughey, and Stephen Colbert himself, would win over the hearts and minds of birds and breed with their women. The resulting bird pregnancies would create a half-breed race of bird-men who are less evil. See Also * Stephen, Jr. * Ornithologists * The Colbert National Tadubon Society Do Not See Also * Gay Birds External Tubes *Birds worth more than black people